Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
shit just got real
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
So creative 😂
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE