*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
me trying not to do anything stupid on the first date
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars