my proudest tweet
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i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.