My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Breaking news:
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Actually cracking up @ this
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio