My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Finally, a door that understands me
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.