a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
the answer was staring at me all along
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.