Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING