My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
You Might Also Like
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”