I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”
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Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Spotted in New Orleans.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.