@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

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@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@SentenceReduced

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.