@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

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@P1ssed_K1d

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@murrman5

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@mommymemeoirs

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

@existential_d

my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect