Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
checking out some reviews of my local library
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
For the ones in the back.