My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.

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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too


Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”


[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?


Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.


[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together


I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!


So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.


When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.