“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
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I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
security at the airport getting more straightforward