Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.
What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”