@Vodkantots

My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.

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@ArfMeasures

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@Dutch_50

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@pro_worrier_

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

@Phook75

Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.

@SlickestOfRicks

What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?

@eff_yeah_steph

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”