*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.