@uhhhhhoksure
Alexa, make me look good naked.
@One_FineMess
My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.
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@uhhhhhoksure
@markleggett
I’m such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker
@paperphotoyo
Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.
@NamestartswithZ
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
@EliTerry
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
@Arteymis
No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.
@AllanForsyth
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
@TheAndrewNadeau
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
@iwearaonesie
i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast
“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”
@dubstep4dads
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito