@One_FineMess

My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

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@markleggett

I’m such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@NamestartswithZ

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@Arteymis

No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.

@AllanForsyth

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

@iwearaonesie

i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”

@dubstep4dads

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito