My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I’m beginning to think she’s more antisocial than I am.

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I’m such an introvert. #Introvert #Introverted #TeamIntroverted #Shy #SoShy #2Shy #2Shy2Talk2You #ShyBoy #Blushes #NoEyeContact #SoftTalker


Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.


SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit


1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos


No, I am not insulting you. I am just describing you.


Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.


i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her he thinks we’re growing up too fast

“they’re in there daring each other to eat dog food”


[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito