My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
You Might Also Like
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Lmfao
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.