Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: I thought pants would be different
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.