My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?