@AndreyasAsylum

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

You Might Also Like

@chris_witha_see

Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references
“yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids”

@GrantTanaka

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

@PrettiestPickle

Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.

@david8hughes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@spaceboyriley

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@DanMentos

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

@heidi420x

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

@girlontapas

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.