Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender