@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

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@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.

@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@Rollmaninoz

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@jobrowneyes

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender