My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do