I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
not a day goes by where i don’t think of this
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…