My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…


So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.


I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier


Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.


I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.


19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*


Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.


Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.


Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.