My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
This fish is cracking me up
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The Struggle
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
A great tip. #CakeRex
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day