@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

You Might Also Like

@food_shoes_life

Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

@LexReturns

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

@coryrichardson_

[at wife’s office party]

wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille

me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

@drinksmcgee

Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.