Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.
Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[at wife’s office party]
wife: don’t show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille
me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.