@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

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@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

@LisaMcAlister1

Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.

@VeganZebra

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@SeanEmeny

Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed

@CAshmanActor

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins