Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”