I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.