I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW