My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.

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Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..


If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.


My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won’t marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?


Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”


If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.


Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?


Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”