Wife: What would you do if I died?
Husband: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.
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If I was an alcoholic, I’d stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I’m the only person in my house who knows it exists.
My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won’t marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?
Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”