The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Simple
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
fair
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.