my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…

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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves


A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.


I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?


“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy


PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back


What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?