Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
#NeverForget
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask