Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Salad is the decaf of food.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked