ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Cooking = 1 hour
Eating = 5 mins
Dishes = 3 days
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope
(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart