My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse