My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I think I’m having a stroke
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.