midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Garage and estate sales need to step up their game. No one carries cash now. Let me use venmo to buy this haunted doll.
You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out