{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Thursday Thought.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Boating season is upon us.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.