My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
You Might Also Like
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80