@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

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@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

@JediGigi

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

@SuperRandomish

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

@hippieswordfish

when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

@SarcasticAlly12

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.