I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
All Day At Night
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’m a carbie girl in a barbie world.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.