Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.