[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Knock Knock
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”