me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
not to brag, but mine was free