Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
S M O L
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.