My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms