My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You Might Also Like
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.