Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
You Might Also Like
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad