my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp

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What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?


Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*


I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.


I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.


“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no


the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.