@blessedtings

my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp

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@Dani_Feld

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

@AbbieEvansXO

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

@LittleMissAngr1

I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.

@just1fool

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.

@TheBoghdady

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@Browtweaten

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.