Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…