my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp

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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.


I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.


Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.


[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING


“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.


My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad