@blessedtings

my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp

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@bestestname

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

@Kryzazy

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again

@jonnysun

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@Shade510

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@Annoyedworld

I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…