Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.