[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Smile they said.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”