he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
This came to me in a dream.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.