My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants

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[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.


My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.


Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?


I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes


Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.


CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?


[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy


I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.


Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus