Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants
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[me on phone with mechanic]
Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers
Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus