@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

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@pveronneau

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

@abedelrey

Me: in bed tired, comfortable and ready to sleep
My bladder:

@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

@RexChapman

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@VictorscarletJ

70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?

@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.