@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

- @BatBatshitcrazy

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@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@Jandalize

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@koalaslament

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

@Be___Dope

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.