My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.