My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game


Me: in bed tired, comfortable and ready to sleep
My bladder:


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.


Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?


Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…


I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.


70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?


Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.