My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

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Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.


The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.


I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.


I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.


Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.


Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada


I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: ‘remove cap & push up bottom’. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely


hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both