@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

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@DadisGrumpy

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

@TuffyNyC

The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.

@Scorpio1080

I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.

@TommyKarate

I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@goodersuk74

I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: ‘remove cap & push up bottom’. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both