@rocknthepurple

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

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@sarcasticmommy4

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@AbbieEvansXO

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@TheSuperiorPink

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma