My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.