I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma