My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name