@CackleClub

My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings

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@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

@jwoodham

Hey, Edgar Allen, go ahead and Poe me up another drink! Don’t tell me to be quiet, lady! Why are there so many books in this bar?

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

@iGreenMonk

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.

@TheMichaelRock

Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work