My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings

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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.


Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it


MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point


Hey, Edgar Allen, go ahead and Poe me up another drink! Don’t tell me to be quiet, lady! Why are there so many books in this bar?


All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.


Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.


If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work