my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*


You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.


I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.


friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that


Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”


I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”