my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
More like Kate Missington.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Meowchelangelo
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Best table by far
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.