(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I think my mom just blocked me
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.