my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
pep talk