my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.