Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.