@bngzyface

My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.

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@AGStr8upNinja

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”

@upsidedowntrash

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

@Marlebean

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

@saltymamas

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@PJTLynch

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

@tastefactory

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME