After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”