Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
my first day as a raccoon
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”