If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO