@MariyaAlexander

My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill

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@kellysdf

It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@Donna_McCoy

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

@danadonly

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@fleshcake

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”