I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.
My roommate made me a copy of the mail key as if she’s ever seen me pay a bill
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It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”
I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”