My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.


Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.


Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.


If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?


Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward


My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.