@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

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@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

@goldman

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

@mooseandriosmom

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@smithsara79

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@MrsRupertPupkin

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

@locherre

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.