My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.


So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”


Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.


Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.


The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.


[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today


whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him


My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!


Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.