I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on