my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.