my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.